5 years...

I have been wanting to write about this for a while, but I can never decide exactly what I want to say or how I want to say it. Last Sunday marked 5 years since my cousin, Tyler, took his life. Last night as I was laying in bed, I was praying for God to give me words... Aaannndddd, Nothing.

                                        

        My sweet and wonderful cousin with Callie when she was about

             6 weeks old. This SO captures him. Tyler was the most gentle, loving kid!

 Then today I was driving Callie to girl scouts and my favorite radio people were talking and it came to me... They said imagine the biggest thing that you could think of. Hmm?? A sky scraper? The girl on the radio show said the universe. I guess it doesn't really get much bigger than the universe, does it?  But we can still wrap our heads around the size of the universe; that is something that we can understand. 

Well, in the bible it says in Psalm 139:5-6  " You hem me in, behind and before,and lay your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;it is high; I cannot attain it." 
Let that sink in for a minute... God's love for us is so big and so great that our little earthly brains cannot even understand it. We have nothing on earth to compare to it!  We are just not meant to understand, here on earth how God works and why, it is "too wonderful for me, it is too high, I cannot attain it!"  Wow! There is no problem too big, no sorrow to overwhelming for God. 
                                        

These boys... 

When I got home I started digging  a little bit more and it keeps popping up all over...
Romans 11:33 "O how deep are God's riches, and wisdom, and knowledge! How unfathomable are his decisions and unexplainable are his ways!"

                                      

I will never know exactly what happened, who Tyler would be today, why didn't he tell someone and that hurts and frankly, it sucks. Tyler's time was much too short and SO many people loved him and my family will never really get the answers to any of these questions. For so long I have been really frustrated and sad by this but today, I had such a peace about it because.. "38 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,[a]neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39 neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:38-39
Did you see that? what God did?? Not even DEATH can separate us from God! 
                                        
So from now on, no wondering, no questioning. Just peace. It's still hard, but God is all over this. Tyler, you are loved, you are missed and you are watching over us.